Yesterday Barbara and I took the subway into the City and spent the afternoon wandering around Soho, Tribeca and the Village. I’m still at the stage where I have virtually no idea where anything is in the City, or what the different parts have to offer, so this was little more than a dismounted recce.
Soho and Tribeca, and to a slightly lesser degree, the Village, are the stomping grounds of various stars, millionaires and other illuminaries. Brad Pitt shows up occasionally, along with his wife-of-the-moment. Heath Ledger lived here, until he confused his various prescriptions, with reasonably predictable results. And yes, Natalie Portman lives somewhere around here, so naturally the true mission behind the day’s romp was to accidentally bump into her and have a serious conversation as to why she should never make anything nearly as abysmal as ‘Closer’ ever again. More on that later.
The unexpected truth of the area is this, though. Everyone is a nobody here, and at the same time, everyone is potentially ‘someone’. Once you have adopted the unwritten uniform of the City, which is basically anything dark and therefore non-tourist, you submerge into the grimy backdrop of the place. Perhaps this explains the attraction to Hollywood’s elite. Simply throw on a drab hoody, perhaps some cheap sunglasses, and <bing> you’re just Joe New Yorker. Instant anonymity.
The only thing that might set you apart from the average NY-ite is the way you carry yourself, and apparently, if you are tall. New York seems to be populated largely by vertically challenged troglodytes, and apparently anyone over 5’9″ is unusual enough to suggest a touch of immortality. I kept getting wierd looks from the occasional passerby–y’know, that questioning glance of “Are you someone noteworthy?”, which lasts for the whole 20 seconds until you pass them by, or they decide that you are merely a 40 year old soldier masquerading for the afternoon as someone interesting. The only difference in my demeanour, that I could tell, was proper posture and a somewhat aloof confidence, born of living overseas for the past ten years, one of which was in a war zone.
Not that you would react if you did notice someone possibly famous. The most impressive person I saw all day was the 7 foot tall black guy I passed on W. Houston Street. He was wearing an all-white tuxedo, replete with white top hat and white feather boa. Rupaul, perhaps?
Now, that was impressive. I had to blink in order not to do a double take, and by the time my eyes reopened, he was gone. I wondered for a second if I was finally having an acid flashback, or if I had imagined the whole vision. I’m still not sure. In any case, I am reasonably sure that I managed to ignore it as completely as any other jaded denizen of the Village.
Barbara amused herself by counting out loud the number of Starbucks we came across. I would not be surprised to learn that Dick Cheney was the Vice President of the ubiquitous coffee shop, since they are literally everywhere, and quietly seem to be pursuing a strategy of strangling the city in a mix of green awnings and over-sweetened beverages. Not terribly different from our tactics in Iraq, come to think of it. In any case, there is no escape from them. Across from City Hall, I marked two of them, one of each side of the same intersection. At what point do you concede the possibility of market saturation?
One must be careful, though, in actually patronizing these establishments while walking around the City. Apparently there is no such thing as public restrooms, and indeed, the only accessible bathrooms, for less than the price of an average mortgage payment, is, you guessed it, inside another Starbucks. Which means that you have to purchase another Vanilla Latte for the privilege of tinkling in their W.C. Talk about a vicious circle….
So, there I am, wandering around the West Village in my ill-fitting Harley Davidson boots, secretly on the look-out for Natalie Portman. And I found her.
Well, not exactly. I found her shoes.
Her fall collection of vegan shoes is at Te Casan, down on West Broadway. Yes, you read it correctly, vegan shoes. What the picture above doesn’t show is the 20 foot high profile of Natalie in the store window. Barbara wouldn’t let me take a picture of it. Actually she was too busy pulling me away from licking the fabulous pair of tofu stilletos just inside the doorway. Delicious! Much better than the brocolli pumps I tried first, but then, what do I know about coutoure? I would like to think that the soybean flats had actually been chastised by her angelic hands, but I suspect that they were produced by an army of starving, pre-teen Malaysians, the same as any other over-priced shoe in this country. Although apparently all profits go to the Nature Conservancy, so you can assuage your white guilt, born of sporting a 2500 dollar pair of wheatgrass sneakers, from the knowledge that your hard earned bread is going to support something vaguely high-minded.
All I know is that I was hungry an hour later.
Oh, and apparently you don’t have to worry about Brooklynites thinking you’re making fun of them when you speak Brooklynese. I keep speaking in a clipped manner, adding the occasional ‘Fuhgedaboudit’, and expecting to get called on it. Nope. The conversation continues on, apparently with no one the wiser.
I don’t think being 6′ 3″ and 250 pounds as anything to do with it…..
‘Fuggedaboudit’ is a legitimate word in Brooklyn, and is used in everyday conversation. As a soldier, I actually understand it’s use pretty well. It’s very similiar to ‘hooah’, which is routinely used in the Army, and essentially means everything except ‘no’. Fuggedaboudit is even more versatile. It is a comment without equal, in that it can be utilized as both a positive and negative. E.g.–“Did ya see that hot goil walkin’ down the street? Tight jeans, tits like bowling balls? Oh brudder, fuggedaboudit!” Or conversely; “I can’t believe that guy, what a jagoff! Fuggedaboudit…..” The only clues to its meaning is the tone of voice, the general subject of the conversation preceding it, and the way the ‘fuggedaboudit’ is actually used. Drawn out and more emphatic for the positive; usually low and trailing off for the negative.
Try it out. It’s pretty useful.